this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
