did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
