You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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