Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
