I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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