ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
