A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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