I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
