And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
