Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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