So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my being single is dangerous.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Shame is for Republicans.
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