life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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