I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
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This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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