Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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