I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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