Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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