I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
