Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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