The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
