I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
