you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
