Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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