I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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