I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
