I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
