Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
