I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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