My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
