got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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