I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
