ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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