ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize