with your own penis?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
