i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
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We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
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Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now