my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?