Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
