i'm lost and i look like a hooker
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
