alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
