I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
