he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
