you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
