it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
