At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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