Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
