why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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