woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
