Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
