Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
