omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
