Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
