the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
