mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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