im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
