Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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