i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
