You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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