Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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