I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Four minutes until I can fart!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
